Hear Him from Christofferson

Christofferson's "Hear Him" article on the Church's website had some good reminders. 

One thing is when I'm writing in my scripture journal or just pondering in general, I can and should ask, "Is there more? Have I captured it all?"

Another thing I thought of is how when I get feelings that might be promptings...like not going to the farmers market on Saturday...I can pull over, quietly pray, ponder over it, and ask God for help in knowing what to do. That way I'll hopefully get better at recognizing the Spirit. I feel like I can kind of tell when it's the Spirit warning me. It's a dark feeling that won't go away. It came and went with one thing, though: law school. And from that I learned how closely I must stay to the Spirit in order to ward off that feeling. I do always have a little wonder if I wasn't supposed to do it. If I'm not supposed to be in law school. And that's just sickening to me. Like right now, I'm reading the scriptures, and that's usually when the feeling goes away, but it's not really going away today. Maybe I'll pray. 

Update: a few days after this post I was praying in the car and felt this: "Why am I trusting in stuff I've heard from people about the Spirit? about how the Spirit communicates? about how the Spirit communicates with them? God has told me in the way I need to know. He's given me the revelation I need to know." I feel that he's told me I need to be diligent in staying close to him, or I just have no chance. 

Last thing i loved is he said we can ask for the spiritual gift of faith to get better at this all. 

Walking humbly, doing justly, loving compassion

 A RS lesson based on Renlund's talk of Oct 2020. 

The foundation of the gospel is to love one another. 

When it's hard to have mercy for someone, think this: they have been through things that i have no idea about and haven't experienced myself. 

Charity is the only gift that we can't acquire on our own (of faith, hope, and charity). It's the only one that Moroni said we need to pray for. It's almost like if we pray for it, that Heavenly Father probably has to give it to us. 

Repenting is one great way to make me humble and love others more. 

comparing and not comparing

BYU's fall 2019 magazine has a great article on comparison. Just look it up. But here are my notes:

• "God makes no horizontal comparisons....He compares me only with me" and I should do the same. Comparing me with my past self, but not with others. This mindset can help me only compare myself to myself and not to others--when others perform or achieve higher than I do, I can still glorify God by the things that I accomplished or learned or how I grew from an experience, and be grateful for that.
• "God cheers on every runner, calling out that the race is against sin, not against each other." (Holland)
• How to overcome comparison:
• Be mindful of our tendency to compare. Think about it and sit with it and notice what it might lead to and what it is coming from. Comparisons most often are based on falsehoods and "faulty premises, both of other's making and of our own making." I'm only seeing part of the picture. No one is better than another person.
• Korihor said that people prosper because of their own genius and strength--but this certainly isn't true, because 1) circumstance/privilege (side note: "this does not mean that we simply acquiesce to biological determinism or circumstantial determinism, nor wallow in defeatism. Agency is a reality and an incomparable endowment. But can we see why comparisons just are not fair--to us or to others? There are too many variables involved.") and 2) our blessings from God, especially the Savior's saving Atonement. "It is by graced that ye are saved" even "after all we can do."
• Also, Ether 12:27 says God gives us weakness, not weaknesses. Weakness and mortality make us humble. 
• Recognize, with childlike celebration, the good fortune of others. Think of Eloise being excited for something that Conley does, instead of being discouraged in herself. 
• "We don't discover humility by thinking less of ourselves; we discover humility by thinking less about ourselves." (Uchtdorf) "Doesn't this description just fit the image of the Son of God" washing feet, sitting with the poor and sinful, etc.
• When we think of others more than ourselves, and pray for charity for them, the Lord will bestow this gift on us. "Charity renders powerless this temptation to compare." Love that quote. The Savior, the best of all, strives to make us equal with Him. 
• It's OK when we fail with this. It's important that we keep attempting. 
• "We might think that God wanted simply obedience to a set of rules: whereas He really wants people of a particular sort." C.S. Lewis
• In tiny, daily ways we purify our motives, pray for love and grace, think of others, remember how God views me, only compare myself with myself, glory gratefully in the progress I've made, and slowly become more secure and more like Christ. 

My testimony, beginning of 2020

Hello. I wanted to bear my testimony in Sacrament Meeting today, but there didn't end up being enough time. Other people had a lot they needed to share. But I felt the burning in my heart, and I remember kind of setting a goal on my mission to bear my testimony every fast Sunday. So I can do it here. And maybe I will share it with some people.

I don't really know how to start, so I guess I will start the traditional way, with the I knows. But really some of the I knows are more like I hopes. So maybe I'll say which is which.

I know that there's someone really really really great and loving and merciful out there, and I really hope it's Heavenly Father. I feel sure most of the time, but since sometimes the Doubt Thing in my mind (which is small and sometimes sleeping or gone altogether but sometimes still there and is very real) still tells me I made it all up, I can't say necessarily that I know that God is there. That makes me a little sad. I really want to know He is there. I mean, I pray to Him every day, and He's wonderful and most of the time I really think He is there and He is listening and the amazing miracles that happen are actually from Him and not just happenstance. So that one is an almost-know, and a really-really-hope. When I am feeling like He is really there and listening, I love Him so much and feel so undeserving of what He's blessed me with, specifically my children and knowledge of Jesus Christ. And He always answers my prayers. Like I was having really bad dreams this week, and I prayed that I wouldn't last night and I didn't. I also prayed that I wouldn't wake up until the morning, and I didn't. It was awesome.

I know that Jesus Christ died for me. I know that because I've felt the incredible effects of His grace and His atonement. I feel lifted when I think of Jesus Christ. I feel love for people I don't like, when I seek for it, and I'm sure--100%--that that love comes from Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father and Jesus's atonement and grace. I can improve and change--and that is because of me working hard, yes, but mostly because Jesus loves me and He can do anything, and all I need to do is put in some faith and work.

I know the Book of Mormon has some really great stuff in it. I know that the people who wrote it really wrote it. I don't think everything in it is translated exactly how God wants it, but it's close. And I know Joseph Smith translated it by the power of God, restored the church by the power of God, and restored the priesthood by the power of God. I know the priesthood is real. Gosh I love it. I have felt so much powerful love when I've received priesthood blessings. I know that priesthood holders who are my leaders and are worthy and humble, men and women, have power from God to help, love, and lead me. I know this.

I also want to bear my testimony of doubt. Doubt is so real and doubt is also so important. We came to the earth to walk by faith. To walk by faith. Without doubt, we wouldn't have faith. We couldn't have faith if we didn't have doubt to overcome...like it's impossible. It's impossible to grow a muscle without breaking it down and making it sore first. Doubt is important.  I'm not afraid of doubt anymore. I'm not afraid of when my friends leave their faith. I don't like either--that's for certain. I still cry about both; I'm still torn up and shaken by both. I'd love a life without either. But that's impossible. Both are bound to happen over and over again for me--doubt and friends leaving. Maybe those two things happen for everyone. But the fear of both is gone because I've felt God come through each time for me. I've felt Christ come through each time for me too. I've felt an answer to a prayer; or I've felt the spirit strongly, or I've felt some kind of witness that tells me that I'm on the right track, and in the right place. Sometimes I do wonder, why does having faith need to be so difficult? Like, if it's so hard and I have to work so hard to keep it and hold onto it, aren't I just constructing it? convincing myself of all these things? That would be true, that it's made up, that would be the way it is, if not for the witnesses, the sweet witnesses that are small and sometimes infrequent, but powerful and undeniable nonetheless.

The parts of my religion that discomfit me are the things that I feel like are laced with human-ness. These include parts of the endowment session (before the recent changes, but still a little bit now--just like the ancient tradition stuff--I mean, the ancient tradition stuff is cool if it's actually ancient tradition, but less cool if it's made up by Joseph Smith or Brigham Young or Wilford Woodruff or whoever whenever, and I'm not totally sure yet which is which); certain perspectives common among church members (as an unimportant example, when people feel that crying is equated to feeling the spirit, or that crying will make a testimony more effective to a listener); Joseph Smith's choices with polygamy; Brigham Young's actions regarding women, people of color, and the priesthood; some things church leaders say here and there; I don't believe that polygamy or black people not having the priesthood or temple blessings were inspired by God, for example. Thankfully, I can now put these things aside, at least for a time, and focus on the things that fill my heart and soul up with joy, being mindful of the pain these other things have caused/cause some people, and validating them for it.

I used to think that remembering was so important, like the most important part of keeping  a testimony. But I thought that what you were supposed to remember was the times when you felt the Spirit and received witnesses of God or other stuff. I realize now that it's not just that. It's remembering what to do when doubt overcomes me. It's remembering how to act, react, respond. And I know what to do. I just have to do it. I have to read, I have to pray, I have to hope and reach out. I have to remember the witnesses, I have to lean on people whose faith is bright.

This is so much more than a religion or a way of life. The gospel is sweet and the joy it brings is unlike any other. God's work is to make me happy and others happy. Jesus wants me to love myself and be better through Him.

Funny babies

The kids have been so funny and delightful lately. I feel like I really could just sit and watch them and hang out with them and they'd do enough stuff to keep me laughing the whole time. Eloise still likes telling secrets. But more than that lately she has just been telling stories. She's so animated and serious. Stories or commands. Today's was something like this: "Mommy, look at me. No look away. [her hands on my cheeks] no laugh. Big shark coming to bite us!" I asked her what we should do. "Bite him!" she said.

Conley is so sweet to her. I say that all the time. But he really is. If she is at a disadvantage somehow, he helps her out of it (unless it's something that he really wants or it's his and he wants to play with it). If she is mad about a certain plate, he'll switch her no problem. Or if she needs help with something, he helps her. He's learning to be patient and let her try. He's encouraging and respectful. They have the perfect personalities to be playmates. They get along well and have fun togehter and that just makes my heart so warm and happy.

I still adore snuggling with Eloise. Today she fell asleep in the car, and Conley got a little bag of popcorn from Walmart pickup. He said, "Eloise, you need to wake up or I'm gonna eat this whole bag." He like felt bad not sharing. It was so cute. I told him he could go ahead and eat the whole bag.

They've been a lot better for scripture time, too. And yesterday Conley volunteered to say our morning prayer. And he did! It was so great. And just made my heart so warm. And Joseph too.

Conley also says funny thing, or things he thinks are funny. Today he kept telling me secrets and then laughing really hard, along the lines of this: "Mom, boxes are illegal." Or Dogs are legal, or something like that. It really got his funny bone for some reason. He's got an "office" under the Christmas tree. He put papers down there and hole punches them (for snow, maybe?).

When I ask him how is day was, he usually says "bad." I'm not sure why. And he doesn't disclose too much. "Peter didn't want to do what I wanted to do" or something like that is usually what it is.

Conley helps Eloise say her prayers pretty often and it's so sweet.

Kid Quotes

Conley: "Why did Daddy take a different way home?"
Me: "I'm not sure. There is more than one right way to get home."
Conley: "There's a BILLION ways to get home."
Me: "You're probably right."
Conley [quietly]: "I'm not probably right, I am right."


Another day...
Conley says he "works" downstairs or outside. He talks about all the work jobs or jobs he has to do. Or if someone says the new deck is looking good, he says it's because of the hard work he's been doing. He's working, not playing. And he wears his jeans every day because "of all the work [he] has to do." He takes it pretty seriously.

And Eloise, as soon as we mention going to Nana's, thinks we are going. One time she packed a backpack full of toys and got her cowboy boots on, ready to go. And tonight (we talked to Nana today about going to sleep at her house in a couple weeks), Eloise thought she was going to sleep at Nana's tonight.

Tonight I told Conley, "I love you with all my heart." And he said "I love you with the whole universe." And I said, "I feel in love with you the moment you came out of me." And he said, "Where did I come out?" And I said, "My vagina." And he paused, and said incredulously, "Did I really?" Hahaha it was so funny.

Eloise and Conley both say "cozy." They love being cozy. With pillows, blankets, and me:).

Sweet time putting Conley down

Joseph usually puts Conley down, but tonight he had YM. I was so lucky, because it ended up being such a wonderful, sweet experience. We got an early start; got in the bath at 6 or so (because Eloise is transitioning of naps, so she's exhausted by six). So that gave me and Conley a long time to spend on his going down (E was asleep by 6:15). We read The Wind in the Willows, and he didn't want me to stop. When I asked if we could read two more pages so we could finish a chapter, he said, "Yeah. And then read the next chapter and the next chapter. I wanna know what happens." It was so cute. It's a fun little book. Kind of high vocabulary, but he seems to catch the story line, for the most part. After reading for 20 minutes or so, he got out of my bed and whispered, "Follow me." It was cute and funny. So I did. We wandered around the dark family room and kitchen for a minute, and then he said he had to pee, so he did. I made him get back in bed with me and I turned off the lamp and we just snuggled. I started singing to him and he just snuggled right in and fell asleep gradually.

I was laying on my side and he was facing me, wrapped up in my arms. It was so snug and warm. Our chests were snugly together and I could just feel his soul. It filled up my heart. I could feel my heartbeat; it felt like his closeness was making my heart beat stronger, making my heartbeat more fervent and vibrant.