My testimony, beginning of 2020

Hello. I wanted to bear my testimony in Sacrament Meeting today, but there didn't end up being enough time. Other people had a lot they needed to share. But I felt the burning in my heart, and I remember kind of setting a goal on my mission to bear my testimony every fast Sunday. So I can do it here. And maybe I will share it with some people.

I don't really know how to start, so I guess I will start the traditional way, with the I knows. But really some of the I knows are more like I hopes. So maybe I'll say which is which.

I know that there's someone really really really great and loving and merciful out there, and I really hope it's Heavenly Father. I feel sure most of the time, but since sometimes the Doubt Thing in my mind (which is small and sometimes sleeping or gone altogether but sometimes still there and is very real) still tells me I made it all up, I can't say necessarily that I know that God is there. That makes me a little sad. I really want to know He is there. I mean, I pray to Him every day, and He's wonderful and most of the time I really think He is there and He is listening and the amazing miracles that happen are actually from Him and not just happenstance. So that one is an almost-know, and a really-really-hope. When I am feeling like He is really there and listening, I love Him so much and feel so undeserving of what He's blessed me with, specifically my children and knowledge of Jesus Christ. And He always answers my prayers. Like I was having really bad dreams this week, and I prayed that I wouldn't last night and I didn't. I also prayed that I wouldn't wake up until the morning, and I didn't. It was awesome.

I know that Jesus Christ died for me. I know that because I've felt the incredible effects of His grace and His atonement. I feel lifted when I think of Jesus Christ. I feel love for people I don't like, when I seek for it, and I'm sure--100%--that that love comes from Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father and Jesus's atonement and grace. I can improve and change--and that is because of me working hard, yes, but mostly because Jesus loves me and He can do anything, and all I need to do is put in some faith and work.

I know the Book of Mormon has some really great stuff in it. I know that the people who wrote it really wrote it. I don't think everything in it is translated exactly how God wants it, but it's close. And I know Joseph Smith translated it by the power of God, restored the church by the power of God, and restored the priesthood by the power of God. I know the priesthood is real. Gosh I love it. I have felt so much powerful love when I've received priesthood blessings. I know that priesthood holders who are my leaders and are worthy and humble, men and women, have power from God to help, love, and lead me. I know this.

I also want to bear my testimony of doubt. Doubt is so real and doubt is also so important. We came to the earth to walk by faith. To walk by faith. Without doubt, we wouldn't have faith. We couldn't have faith if we didn't have doubt to overcome...like it's impossible. It's impossible to grow a muscle without breaking it down and making it sore first. Doubt is important.  I'm not afraid of doubt anymore. I'm not afraid of when my friends leave their faith. I don't like either--that's for certain. I still cry about both; I'm still torn up and shaken by both. I'd love a life without either. But that's impossible. Both are bound to happen over and over again for me--doubt and friends leaving. Maybe those two things happen for everyone. But the fear of both is gone because I've felt God come through each time for me. I've felt Christ come through each time for me too. I've felt an answer to a prayer; or I've felt the spirit strongly, or I've felt some kind of witness that tells me that I'm on the right track, and in the right place. Sometimes I do wonder, why does having faith need to be so difficult? Like, if it's so hard and I have to work so hard to keep it and hold onto it, aren't I just constructing it? convincing myself of all these things? That would be true, that it's made up, that would be the way it is, if not for the witnesses, the sweet witnesses that are small and sometimes infrequent, but powerful and undeniable nonetheless.

The parts of my religion that discomfit me are the things that I feel like are laced with human-ness. These include parts of the endowment session (before the recent changes, but still a little bit now--just like the ancient tradition stuff--I mean, the ancient tradition stuff is cool if it's actually ancient tradition, but less cool if it's made up by Joseph Smith or Brigham Young or Wilford Woodruff or whoever whenever, and I'm not totally sure yet which is which); certain perspectives common among church members (as an unimportant example, when people feel that crying is equated to feeling the spirit, or that crying will make a testimony more effective to a listener); Joseph Smith's choices with polygamy; Brigham Young's actions regarding women, people of color, and the priesthood; some things church leaders say here and there; I don't believe that polygamy or black people not having the priesthood or temple blessings were inspired by God, for example. Thankfully, I can now put these things aside, at least for a time, and focus on the things that fill my heart and soul up with joy, being mindful of the pain these other things have caused/cause some people, and validating them for it.

I used to think that remembering was so important, like the most important part of keeping  a testimony. But I thought that what you were supposed to remember was the times when you felt the Spirit and received witnesses of God or other stuff. I realize now that it's not just that. It's remembering what to do when doubt overcomes me. It's remembering how to act, react, respond. And I know what to do. I just have to do it. I have to read, I have to pray, I have to hope and reach out. I have to remember the witnesses, I have to lean on people whose faith is bright.

This is so much more than a religion or a way of life. The gospel is sweet and the joy it brings is unlike any other. God's work is to make me happy and others happy. Jesus wants me to love myself and be better through Him.